Mostly, I would do this out of courtesy, because I know that this random fellow employee at work who has never met me doesn't really want to hear what's actually going on in my life, especially not in very much detail. After all, that's why I have a blog, right?
[insert laugh track]
Speaking honestly, though, over the last few years, my answer should have been something more like, "Y'know, things could be better. I mean, there's nothing seriously wrong. I'm just not happy." When I did share that sentiment, whether with family or friends, I would usually say that I just wished I made more money at work, or that I'm just stressed about work and/or school, or that I'm just in a little bit of a funk at the moment because of X. However, it was always something deeper than that:
I wasn't happy because I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy.
Like (I assume) most people, I mainly remember and focus on the negative aspects of myself and my life, be it my weight, my appearance, choices I've made, actions I've taken, or whatever. I look back at mistakes I've made and people I've hurt and think to myself, "Someone who has done this doesn't deserve to be happy, so why should I be?" I refused to take into account my own strengths, the people I've helped, or the people who love me, because I felt like I was overstating them, wasn't sincere enough, or didn't deserve them, either, respectively.
And then came the divorce. I finally felt like I was getting what I deserved: pain, betrayal, disappointment, fear, anxiety, sleepless nights, and loneliness. That all sucked. It sucked to the point that I started to think that maybe that's what life was really supposed to be, and that I had just been living in some fantasy world up to that point.
And that's when my friends and family saved me. So many people have done so much for me over the past few months that I've come to realize how loved I truly am. I'm not going to remember or list everyone here, and this is in no particular order, but these are things that I want to say. This is my blog; you don't have to read it.
- Mom and Dad - from the night I drove out to their house in the middle of the night to tell them what was going on, they have wrapped me in their arms and shown me nothing but love and understanding. From when Mom held me while I cried, thinking that everything in my life up to that point had been nothing but sham after sham leading to overall failure to having dinner with Dad and Josh on my birthday, I've felt nothing but pure love.
- Jason and Josh - I get to be a bit more frank when I talk to my brothers, and they've never had a problem with me going off about one thing, or on and on about another. My brothers and I love each other, and being able to talk to them so freely and openly about anything and everything has been therapeutic at worst and freeing at best.
- Claudio - Claudio has been going through his own divorce for quite some time (and is finished now!) and his counsel, listening ear, and supporting shoulder have all been highly sought and greatly appreciated. It also helps that he appreciates Scotch and is willing to share it sometimes...
- Ben - Ben never had much to say about my situation, but he was always willing to listen and help me find ways to take my mind off of my problems and divert my energy into things that were actually beneficial for myself and others. Also, his general calm has helped me to find my own calm center even in the midst of some fairly trying times.
- Joe and Swanson - the two hosts of the Nerds Drinking podcast (listen if you like technology and/or alcohol) have also been great listeners and counselors through all of this mess. Whether it's encouraging me to stay strong or pushing me to get healthier and quit smoking (which I promise I will do one day), they've both always found a way to motivate me to better myself and my community, one step at a time.
- Brandon - I've known Brandon for almost 15 years. He and I have helped each other through very tough times before, and he has been there for me every step of the way. There's nothing I can say to express how profound of an impact he'd had on me even before this situation began, and he's stayed the course with me throughout it. Whether I needed a drink, a home-cooked meal, or just someone to sit and play video games with, he is always available when I need him.
- April - a newer friend, but seriously one of the closest friends I have. April is the one who finally beat it into my skull (figuratively, though she probably has been tempted to do it physically) that I don't deserve every bad thing that could ever happen to me. She is an incredible woman in her own right, but still has the time to listen to my BS with grace. I owe her more than I can ever express.
- Randy - my pastor, my brother, my friend. He's stayed up way too late way too many times dealing with me. When I called him in the middle of the afternoon, sobbing on the phone while driving through rush hour traffic, he was able to talk to me in a way I could understand and help me start seeing clearly (literally and metaphorically) again.
As I said, there are many, many more, but most folks don't even want to read all of that, much less the rest of the 50 or so folks who have helped me in the last week.
However, this is not strictly a "Thank You" card. My interactions with these (and other) people have resulted in something very strange for me: I'm happy. I'm emotionally healthy. I'm doing better psychologically than I have in years. I've gone from trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel to having to think back about what the tunnel was like, and it's because of all of you. I know that I can never repay the love and support that I've received from friends and family, and I also know that I would never need to pay you back anyway; that's what friends and family are all about!
But thank you. How am I? I'm great, I'm fantastic, and I'm surrounded by the best people anyone could ever hope for.
