0019 - Small Wins

Some days at work, everything sucks for everyone. We can tell when we have those days because Keith comes over to the cubicles to see me, Richard, and Todd, and he says, "Today sucks. We need a win. Does anybody have a win?"

At that point, the size of the win doesn't matter: we could have had a support call that went abnormally well, or maybe we figured out a solution to why a textbox wasn't posting back correctly. Even something small counts and helps lift our spirits, probably more than it should. On the occasion that we don't have any sort of win (and no, getting out of bed or waking up alive don't count, though sometimes they should...), we take solace in the fact that everybody's day has sucked, so we share our biggest frustrations in as humorous a way as possible and all laugh at each other's (and our own) misery.

I've started using this practice in my personal life, too. Whenever I'm feeling particularly down, or feel like everything sucks, I try to think of a win I had that day. Maybe a friend texted me just to see how I was doing or to invite me to do something fun. Maybe I caught every green light on my way home from work. Either way, I've started focusing more on the wins, however small, than the losses, however big, every day. This is kind of a new perspective for me; I've always tended a bit more toward the pessimistic side of things, so the whole positive outlook thing felt foreign at best and silly at worst.

Aside from the small wins (like how there was very little traffic on the way home and I caught all but 3 green lights), I've also had a few bigger wins in the last few weeks that have kind of helped me keep that positive mindset more constant:

1. If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you will have noticed how, for the last few weeks, I've been using the Couch 2 5K (C25K) app to help me get into shape. For a little more backstory, on that: Richard and I have been talking for a few months about getting back into shape, working out, etc. That joker decided we should each make up a short list of fitness goals and share them with each other so we can hold each other accountable in working towards them. My goals are to be able to do chin-ups and pull-ups with minimal effort (a subjective measure) by August 31, run a 4 mile race by Thanksgiving (Turkey Trot), and to look like Captain America by June 1, 2017. So I've been working out a bit towards the goal of the chin-ups, and I've been running at least 3 times each week for the past 5 weeks (I had to do Week 1 of C25K twice). Every time I finish a run (especially the first day of each week's regimen) is a big win for me because it's a step towards several goals.

2. Also, if you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you will have noticed that I've now fostering a beautiful pit mix named Eva since July 19. She runs part of my C25K with me each day, as well as going on walks with me on off-days. When I'm home, she's my constant companion (except for when she sneaks away to eat food off the counter or pee on the floor or both). She's a sweet girl, and has helped get rid of the loneliness I was feeling most nights at home. I'm hoping to adopt her soon, so we'll see how that goes. Either way, though, the joy and companionship she's brought me since my last dogs left have been wonderful, and that has been a major win for me. She seems to enjoy the house better than the shelter, too, so I think it's a win for her as well.

3. Since May, I've been thinking of asking a particular girl out. She's smart, she's cool, she's cute, she loves animals, she's funny... that's a pretty intimidating combination. A few weeks ago, I finally made up my mind that I was going to ask, then spent two weeks analyzing, reanalyzing, overanalyzing, and psyching myself out. I convinced myself countless times not to do it, then countless times that I should. And I finally did. And she said yes, which actually surprised me. I was expecting more of the "Awww... that's so sweet!" like when a small child gives you a handful of grass for a present. But she didn't, and since I asked her Sunday, I've been analyzing, reanalyzing, overanalyzing, and psyching myself out about whatever step comes next, so at least that part of my personality hasn't changed... But this event was a few major wins for me: I took a step forward, I took a chance, and it worked out well. With any luck (and me behaving like a civilized human being, which is no small feat), this will lead to more wins down the line.

4. I've been opening up more to my friends and family. I like to stay private and still keep many, many things private, but I'm learning to be more vulnerable to the people I trust and care about. I share my wins and losses with them and either listen to what they have to say or accept their sympathies (which is even more difficult). I'm not sure how long I'll be doing this, but it seems to be going okay for now. I'd have to ask the people with whom I've been sharing whether I'm over-sharing and need to lay off some. But, hey! A win's a win, and this is a win.


So I'm going to keep on trucking and looking for wins wherever they may come. If you ever see me down, ask me if I've had any wins that day. I'll try to think of something!

0016 - I'm Happy

For such a long time, when someone has asked me (typically in passing) how I am, how I'm feeling, or how I've been doing lately, I gave the same response that I'm sure most people give: "I'm doing fine. How are you?"

Mostly, I would do this out of courtesy, because I know that this random fellow employee at work who has never met me doesn't really want to hear what's actually going on in my life, especially not in very much detail. After all, that's why I have a blog, right?

[insert laugh track]

Speaking honestly, though, over the last few years, my answer should have been something more like, "Y'know, things could be better. I mean, there's nothing seriously wrong. I'm just not happy." When I did share that sentiment, whether with family or friends, I would usually say that I just wished I made more money at work, or that I'm just stressed about work and/or school, or that I'm just in a little bit of a funk at the moment because of X. However, it was always something deeper than that:

I wasn't happy because I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy.

Like (I assume) most people, I mainly remember and focus on the negative aspects of myself and my life, be it my weight, my appearance, choices I've made, actions I've taken, or whatever. I look back at mistakes I've made and people I've hurt and think to myself, "Someone who has done this doesn't deserve to be happy, so why should I be?" I refused to take into account my own strengths, the people I've helped, or the people who love me, because I felt like I was overstating them, wasn't sincere enough, or didn't deserve them, either, respectively.

And then came the divorce. I finally felt like I was getting what I deserved: pain, betrayal, disappointment, fear, anxiety, sleepless nights, and loneliness. That all sucked. It sucked to the point that I started to think that maybe that's what life was really supposed to be, and that I had just been living in some fantasy world up to that point.

And that's when my friends and family saved me. So many people have done so much for me over the past few months that I've come to realize how loved I truly am. I'm not going to remember or list everyone here, and this is in no particular order, but these are things that I want to say. This is my blog; you don't have to read it.

1. Mom and Dad - from the night I drove out to their house in the middle of the night to tell them what was going on, they have wrapped me in their arms and shown me nothing but love and understanding. From when Mom held me while I cried, thinking that everything in my life up to that point had been nothing but sham after sham leading to overall failure to having dinner with Dad and Josh on my birthday, I've felt nothing but pure love.
2. Jason and Josh - I get to be a bit more frank when I talk to my brothers, and they've never had a problem with me going off about one thing, or on and on about another. My brothers and I love each other, and being able to talk to them so freely and openly about anything and everything has been therapeutic at worst and freeing at best.
3. Claudio - Claudio has been going through his own divorce for quite some time (and is finished now!) and his counsel, listening ear, and supporting shoulder have all been highly sought and greatly appreciated. It also helps that he appreciates Scotch and is willing to share it sometimes...
4. Ben - Ben never had much to say about my situation, but he was always willing to listen and help me find ways to take my mind off of my problems and divert my energy into things that were actually beneficial for myself and others. Also, his general calm has helped me to find my own calm center even in the midst of some fairly trying times.
5. Joe and Swanson - the two hosts of the Nerds Drinking podcast (listen if you like technology and/or alcohol) have also been great listeners and counselors through all of this mess. Whether it's encouraging me to stay strong or pushing me to get healthier and quit smoking (which I promise I will do one day), they've both always found a way to motivate me to better myself and my community, one step at a time.
6. Brandon - I've known Brandon for almost 15 years. He and I have helped each other through very tough times before, and he has been there for me every step of the way. There's nothing I can say to express how profound of an impact he'd had on me even before this situation began, and he's stayed the course with me throughout it. Whether I needed a drink, a home-cooked meal, or just someone to sit and play video games with, he is always available when I need him.
7. April - a newer friend, but seriously one of the closest friends I have. April is the one who finally beat it into my skull (figuratively, though she probably has been tempted to do it physically) that I don't deserve every bad thing that could ever happen to me. She is an incredible woman in her own right, but still has the time to listen to my BS with grace. I owe her more than I can ever express.
8. Randy - my pastor, my brother, my friend. He's stayed up way too late way too many times dealing with me. When I called him in the middle of the afternoon, sobbing on the phone while driving through rush hour traffic, he was able to talk to me in a way I could understand and help me start seeing clearly (literally and metaphorically) again. 

As I said, there are many, many more, but most folks don't even want to read all of that, much less the rest of the 50 or so folks who have helped me in the last week. 

However, this is not strictly a "Thank You" card. My interactions with these (and other) people have resulted in something very strange for me: I'm happy. I'm emotionally healthy. I'm doing better psychologically than I have in years. I've gone from trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel to having to think back about what the tunnel was like, and it's because of all of you. I know that I can never repay the love and support that I've received from friends and family, and I also know that I would never need to pay you back anyway; that's what friends and family are all about!

But thank you. How am I? I'm great, I'm fantastic, and I'm surrounded by the best people anyone could ever hope for.

0015 - Lessons Learned

Back in December, I took a day off of work just for myself. This is not a common occurrence: as a university student, I typically spend most of my vacation days on finals week each semester, with maybe another day or two each year taken off around a holiday weekend for a little extra length. That was pretty much what happened in December: I had final exams on a Wednesday and Thursday, so I took those days off. Instead of going back to work for a day, then having a weekend, I decided to take Friday off for a "recovery day." All that meant was that I got to finally go to a Memtech Geek Breakfast (http://www.meetup.com/memphis-technology-user-groups/events/228302623/) for once. So I went down to the breakfast and had a great time with some great folks before they went to work. Then I was alone again.

So I figured, "Hey, why not go by Central [Baptist School] and see if anyone's around?" For those of you not intimate with my life history, I went to CBS for K-12, and I still maintain good relationships with a few of the faculty remaining from my tenure there. So on my way home, I swung on by CBS and found that classes were still in session. As per usual, I spent most of the day hanging with Mr. Nelson, my HS math teacher. When he was unavailable, I went to chat with Mr. Henry, my 7th grade English teacher, who is now also teaching the HS computer classes. I mentioned to him that I was thinking about offering to teach a basic programming class at CBS next year (something I hadn't really thought about until that moment or so), and I asked him if he thought that any students would be interested in something like that. He smiled.

"Talk to Justin Gord."

After about 20 minutes, I finally tracked down Justin and asked him if he wanted to learn some basic programming techniques. He was fairly noncommittal, but we agreed to meet up sometime soon to further discuss the idea. Long story short, I've been meeting with Justin once or twice a week for about 4 hours per session for a month and a half now, drilling as much software development practice and computer science theory into his head as I can muster. For that time span, my semi-weekly meetings with Justin have been some of the brightest spots of my week.

Sitting here at home on a Thursday night, though, I've been thinking back about how our first few meetings went versus how they're going now, trying to spot areas on which we should focus, etc., when I realized how much I've learned through the teaching process:

1. Teaching >= Learning: I can't tell you how many people I've heard say, "The best way to learn something is to teach it." Probably somewhere around 4 or 5.
Naturally, I always assumed that this was referring to the time spent studying subject matter for lesson plan development, as well as analyzing material with which you're already intimately familiar for the express purpose of presenting said material in a way that your student(s) can understand it. However, that's only half of the picture. I learn more by having to answer Justin's questions than I do cramming before our meetings. The questions are usually as simple as "Why are we doing things this way?" or "How does that even work?" Usually it's not so much that I don't already know the information, but that, in the process of explaining it to someone wholly unfamiliar with the subject matter, I have been gaining a deeper understanding and a much greater appreciation for how and why some things just "work."

2. Kids are quick: I make no qualms about it - I threw Justin straight into the deep end and watched him flounder. Of course, I didn't let him drown, but I watched how he reacted to being confronted with something he had no clue about. He chipped away at it for a bit, and I gave him feedback on what he was doing. Each time I threw him in, though, I gave a little bit less feedback, and watched how quickly he was able to start solving problems for himself. Granted, he's still very new to this domain of knowledge, so a lot of the problems he has stem solely from a lack of experience (i.e. trying to reference a variable that is out of scope). However, he's starting to pick up on his common mistakes and is working to correct them. When I was a month and a half into programming, I could barely understand how human input was supposed to work. This kid's already building a frigging computer game, as well as making decent progress through Project Euler (https://projecteuler.net/). So, yeah, he's still got a long, long way to go, but he's trucking it down that road.

3. Computers are stupid: Justin's come up with a few clever solutions so far that just don't work with the tools we have. Sure, there may be some language out there that can do what he wants it to do, but for the most part, he's struggling against common knowledge in the software development field. Also, he doesn't like to have his "Why...?" questions answered, "Because that's how it is."
One thing I've focused on quite a bit through our sessions, though, is how stupid computers are. They don't think, they don't solve problems, they don't develop themselves. Whereas the human brain is constantly carrying on hundreds (if not thousands or millions) of processes each second, usually completely concurrently. Meanwhile, a computer processor can only handle one thing at a time.I think Justin is finally coming to grips with this.

4. Curricula suck: now, I'm not talking about planned lessons in general, but about the overarching curriculum path students have to follow in order to graduate. At the University of Memphis (http://www.memphis.edu/), you take the data structures classes, then move on to Discrete Math, Design and Analysis of Algorithms, Software Engineering, and Models of Computation. This is not necessarily a terrible thing, but it's designed to work for a majority of students, not each and every one individually. Working with Justin, though, we've jumped back and forth through the material from all of those courses. One session, we may start with some data structures, then get carried away when the topic morphs into something like the backracking algorithm. Because of it being a 1-on-1 relationship in the class, I'm able to adapt what we do based on exactly what problems he's having or what advice/data he needs to be able to take his next step.

5. Many of my classmates are idiots: When I first learned about a concept like OOP at U of M, I was already familiar with the idea (having been developing quite a bit before that time). When my classmates had trouble understanding exactly what was going on in the class, I chalked it up to inexperience, particularly when 20+ year olds were frustrated to the point of tears.
Meanwhile, Justin had a pretty good understanding of OOP within 20 minutes. Now, maybe the kid's just smart (and he is pretty smart), but this was when he could barely remember how to output text to the screen in Java ("System.out.print([text]);" or "System.out.println([text]);" for those listening at home). By our third meeting, I had decided that our goal in these lessons is that he will be bored out of his mind for at least 3 years at college.

6. "I don't know" just isn't acceptable: When preparing for job interviews, dealing with fellow employees/peers, and sitting in classes, I've had the concept of "It's okay to say, 'I don't know' if you don't know something" drilled into my head. In those situations, it is okay, especially if you follow it up with a good, old-fashioned, "...but I can find the answer for you."
When teaching, though, I've learned that saying, "I don't know" just doesn't cut it. Admitting that you don't have a piece of knowledge is fine, However, there is a better way to express that, something like: "That's a good question! Why don't we look into that?" and then guiding the student(s) to finding their own answers. Seems pretty common sense, right? Try telling that to college professors.


In conclusion, the last month and a half have had some very nice bright spots, like when Justin created his first classes without assistance, or when he figured his way through a fairly complex problem to develop a pretty clever algorithm to solve it. Every time I see the light bulb go off over his head gets me excited and pumps a little more enthusiasm into me. Also, if you're interested in hanging out with us sometime, hit me up on Twitter (@jawood2005) and we'll see when that can happen. Guest appearances by folks in the field are always appreciated, and if you just want to learn, then the more, the merrier. I'll let Justin teach you.